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i feel i'm one of the last few people i know that still post on livejournal. it makes me sad that i can't check my friends tab and scroll back over the last few weeks and find a friend venting and confessing to themselves about the events that make up their life. all i find now are film stills from the only online community i've ever belonged to (not because i love film, but because a girl i once liked was a member) and i find it sad that though i can relate to these films, i can't relate to the few actual human beings i know that populate my livejournal friend list. this isn't a community like facebook or myspace. when i joined it was pure teenage angst venting itself to people who seemed to care. for me its been a emotional record of my emotional extremes when nothing else i could do would sooth my soul.
though many friends have deleted their journals over the years, i refuse to do so myself. i refuse to be ashamed of what i have written here. i refuse to forget the events that have led up to now to make me who i am. i will continue to marvel at the person i am thanks to the patterns i find in reading my own journal. this has been a key part in my existense and understanding who i am and why i do the things i do.
notes from ride home tonight:
parents always suggested running away as best solution to conflict
dirty bike needs cleaning
bike needs riding
go ahead and get that wolf tattoo you stupid fuck
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Saturday, June 13th, 2009
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fuck yeah old entries make me feel so stable. what you gonna do when the novelty is gone?
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doesn't seem like anyone uses this anymore. its a shame. here's a short story.
Alex knew I was burning up. In my briefs and a tank top, on that second-hand couch. The sun glaring at me through two stories of glass, its heat asleep on top of me. From the corner of a dream, I can make out a familiar figure turning on the air conditioner. A moment passes before I realize where I am and how I came to be here. The gentle hum of the air conditioner and fan almost a lullaby, granting me a few more moments of rest. She says she wants to hang out later. Before I realize it, she‘s gone. She had given me a place to stay, bought me groceries, even provided me with contacts if I needed a job. I will never be able to repay such generosity. She was fine with that. Maybe it was the obligation of blood relation.
“I don’t get why you constantly undermine yourself, Garrett,” Alex had said. She let me come stay with her after our parents had kicked me out. She’s only four years older, but at least a decade wiser. I wish some of that sensibility would rub off on me. I’ve been in New York City for a month now and have hardly anything to show for it. Never did follow up on any of Alex’s connections. Haven’t made any friends. My flight is tomorrow morning and I will have to return to reality. Dad and Mom want me back and want to talk things over. My head throbs as I think about home.
I fall off the couch into my outfit from the day before, wishing I had brought clothes more suited for the local weather. I replay the memories of the night before and piece together the events. A house-warming party. A train ride home. A drunken conversation with Robin. A few days earlier on my way to meet a friend, I ducked under the awning of a convenience store to escape unexpected summer showers. There she was, hiding underneath a newspaper. Short, straight, dark hair hiding a cold yet comforting half-smile. Dressed in a oversized navy blue shirt and black tights and a showy gold chain. We had never taken the time to get to know each other back home, but something was different here. Familiar people in unfamiliar places. Words dripped out of my mouth on that train ride home together. Her dark eyes squinted, looking for the meaning behind them. I searched for a moment to say something like “you should come over to my friends place” or just to lean in and lock lips. I did neither. I was hesitant. I cup my hands underneath the bathroom faucet and drink and cool my dry throat. A splash of cold water on my face. I‘m sure I will do it right, when I get the chance to see her again. I take a deep breath and the lingering smell of cigarettes leads me outside.
A converted industrial area is split by the intense light of the sun. The dark shadows of abandoned buildings spilling over onto the bright blaring colorless concrete. Families barbeque and drink beers out on the side walk. The sound of children’s games competing with sirens and the games of adults. Not destitute, but not far from it. Later that night, rich youth from around the country trying to escape suburbia, will fill that side walk. A blend of trends only in their conceptual stage, with fads that have long since died out. Youth grasping to moments that time had forgotten. Resurrecting them for a brief moment, only to be lost again in a few months. Like many before it, this expanding subculture has one of two choices, become mainstream or die. If my parents and I got along maybe I could live here someday. Too bad that’s not going to happen. Alex said that after living there for a few months she was getting to know the locals. She’d join them for a beer or just hang out on their stoop. Fitting in quite nicely.
Something about the trains there made me feel like I fit in myself. I enter the station embraced by a pockets of humid air. How long has the air has been stagnating for? I could stay down here ceaselessly, haunting the twisted and rooted tunnels. This place has a history. Vandalized advertisements remind me of the fundamental nature of people. Profitless crime. We make room for an elderly couple boarding at one of the stops. They hold hands the entire ride. A man in a tank top with a rhinestone cross and sunglasses turns to me and says, “Ain’t that beautiful?” I nod. “They must have been together for a long time.” I shrug my shoulders. “God, bless,” he says as I exit the train.
I don’t fit into my parents world. Dinner parties and networking, country clubs and honor roll. Its all so empty. Socialites so isolated and limited by their way of life. Oblivious to the struggles of the common person. After years of trying to please them, one mistake is all it took for them to throw me to the street. So much for their wonder-child, Garrett. Most of my time here in the city has been spent trying to understand people and their struggles. There are so many people to watch. I’ve spent hours in the train station watching the mixture of lifestyles. Crowds upon crowds forcing there way through turn-styles, confused by the maps, following the music of modern minstrels, screaming into cell phones, tugging children on leashes, laughing, crying, and all of them going. And all of them unaware of my presence. Being here makes me feel like I’m apart of something. Something bigger then me.
Each night after the days events, I’ve found myself drawn here. Like me, this city never sleeps, and there are always people to watch. My shoes make no noise as I walk and they feel nothing when I pass them. I’ll single someone out, look them right in the eyes. Our paths will intersect, and I watch for that moment when they make the mistake breaking eye contact. I sometimes trip and stumble into them. I always apologize. Before they know it, they’re on the phone with their credit card company, trying to cut me off at the source. That’s fine, I’m not interested in the money. They’ll stop and wonder how they could have been so slow to realize, they’ve been robbed. Anonymous crime. My body kicks into motion. Station to station, I spend hours shadowing the cities various inhabitants. My mind is lost in daydream. Rarely do I find much cash, but its not the prize I’m after. It’s the pursuit that keeps the blood pumping through my cold heart. I’ve been keeping a collection of id’s, justifying that what I’m doing is a sociological survey. In the back of my head I know the truth, though. My petty nature is what got me expelled from school. Its what got me kicked out. Maybe Alex is right, maybe I am sabotaging myself. I can’t help it though. This ghostly habit is the only thing that calms what little soul I have left.
I scored a watch a few days ago. Its gold, with a sapphire crystal front and back, has a crocodile strap with a gold buckle. It even tracks the phases of the moon. This prick didn’t deserve such a divine contraption. He was outside of the stock exchange. All it took was a good, firm hand shake and pat on the back, maintaining eye contact the whole time. “Hello! How have you been?” I asked him. No hesitation. No fear. The moment I begin to doubt myself is the moment I get caught. I can’t afford to get caught again. They threatened to try me as an adult. I check the time and realize I’m running late. Robin had mentioned a concert the night before. “You should come,” she said. I float up the stairs into the night.
Two seconds before my phone begins to vibrate in my pocket, I feel my leg numb. I hesitate to answer. “Hello?”
“We’re at the show. Where are you?” asks Alex.
“I‘m outside. Is Robin there?”
“Come in and find out, lover-boy.” Am I so obvious? Alex knows me better then I know myself sometimes. I hang up and hang outside for a few minutes. The crowd fluctuates around the entrance. Robin isn’t outside, but I press my back to the wall and listen to the dense music being absorbed by the bricks and shouts and yells. My stomach pulses in sync with my racing heart. The smell of cigarettes begins to give me a headache, and I check my watch. What if she doesn’t come? My last day here and I wasted it.
“Garrett!” A familiar voice. Her dark eyes meet mine, and I quickly look away.
“Robin. Hey, h-how’s it going?” the words tumble from my tongue.
“We’re missing the show!” She leads me by the hand inside. My senses become overwhelmed. Too dark to see, the thick stench of liquor and sweat, music drowning out everything she says to me. Her voice slices apart the silence between sets.
“I like your watch. Where’d you get it?” she asks.
“Thanks. It was a gift,” I lie. Tension mounts. I want our bodies to collide. I offer to buy her a drink.
“You‘re only seventeen, how are you going to do that?” I smile and motion for her to wait. I fade into the crowd and return with two gin and tonics. Robin is gone. I finish both drinks as I wait. I scan the crowd and find myself wanting to throw myself into it. Vanishing into the chaotic swarm before me, I could spend the rest of the night chasing spoils to my heart’s content. But could I let her slip through my hands so easily? Should I just give up and pilfer the pockets of these unfortunate souls? I return to the bar top with a triumphant no!
“Double shot of whiskey please!” I hold up a finger proudly. I came here with purpose and reason. I’m here to steal the heart of Robin! Alex pats me on the back as I choke on my poor decision.
“Robin and I have been looking for you,” she says. “I convinced her to crash at my place tonight. You owe me.”
“You didn’t have to do that.” My stomach burns. “I was going to invite her over myself.” I flip the collar of my jacket up and head outside for some air.
I eavesdrop on mundane conversations. So routine and rehearsed. I check my watch, six hours until my flight. A man with years beyond his age greets me with a dirty smile “That’s a hell of watch,” he says. I nod. “It is yours now.” The gold reflects in his eyes as relieve myself of some guilt.
A friendly gesture from my sister has robbed me of my personal victory. I can see the rest of my trip play out before me. More drinks at Alex’s. Cigarettes and conversation. Robin sharing the couch with me. I tell myself it might be different. I’m too particular. Expectation and predictability drain me of emotion. What’s the point of trying? My weight shifts as I try and stand still. Am I going to beg my parents to take me back tomorrow, a bigger thief then when I left? The magnitude of the surrounding buildings dwarf me. Why did I even come here? Robin and Alex join me.
“We can still catch the J,” Alex says.
Robin grabs my wrist and asks, “Are you drunk?” I look into her dark eyes and she smiles. I can’t muster the words, so I settle for a shrug of my shoulders.
“You ok?” Alex says as she punches me in the chest.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll meet you guys there in a bit,” I say with a grin. “I have to take care of something.” We make our goodbyes for now. A calmness settles over me as I begin to contemplate my situation. I came here because I had no where else to go. I didn’t come here to change. I’m still figuring out who I am. I feel like a ghost and it feels good. Maybe I’ll just have to learn the hard way. Maybe I already stole Robin’s heart days ago. Maybe I should bring my parents home something. I turn my heels and head into the mob. The full moon’s light instills me with vigor.
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today was kind of odd. am i grieving in my own way? just thinking of myself most likely. the worst feeling is feeling nothing at all.
friends call me up and say come hang out and i turn them down then they call again later and say we're coming to you and i turn them down. blisters on my wrists and a strain on my senses and nothing to show for it. that's fine with me. its ok to want to be alone. pursuit of an unhealthy lifestyle takes more dedication then most would think. while my friends will find themselves in an easy drunken slumber, i will be tormented by what ifs until the sun comes up. my favorite question i have tonight though is: why do i do the things i do?
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waiting around for things to happen without any plans for the future. their plans are now your plans. adopt their ideas. make a place for yourself.
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i didn't really want to leave the party but i decided it was the right time to go.
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did you ever stop to ask, "Are we just apart of human history? Where are we going from here?" And in asking that you realize, that ALL of thise is so much bigger then you. Everytime I bite into that burger, everytime my computer monitor stares into me, I stare into it. Everytime I want to hug that porcelin beauty in my house, I throw up, or shit or piss. Are we bigger then it? Or is it bigger then us? Why do we function? Why are we aware? And why is our awareness limited?
COVER SONGS AND REMAKE MOVIES
MAKE
THAT
$$$$
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why do i desire to work in a creative field when i find inspiration so fleeting? do i just want to break my own heart?
i did my homework tonight, which is the most writing i've done in weeks. i want this semester to end.
friends are moving further and further away. soon i will move away too. at least it was fun while it lasted.
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before i could fall asleep last night i tried thinking of all things i missed and that would never be the same. i was awake for hours lost in nostalgia, on the brink of tears, reliving moments time had forgotten. someday i will write them all down for you, to remind you, of why i love you so dearly.
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Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
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i saw a painting of the apocalypse on a street corner today. while i'm fascinated by the scene playing out before me, someone has the balls to ask me, are you in that painting? no, i answer. are you sure thats not you? i look harder at the painting. i realize it: i've fallen into a trap. its a political scheme. come to our meeting, abolish the current banking system, give us your money. lots of people are going to die around the world. its going to be another plague. its going to be like the dark ages. the worst econmic crash since 1392. we need to return to a humanistic society.
i look for at the street light wanting to cross and get as far away from this guy as possible.
what separates humans and animals? he asks.
not much. is my reply.
has a dog ever written a poem? if you chop a dog up and spread it all out on a table, sure we're made of the same materials. we both eat, sleep, have sex. but when has a dog painted a picture, wrote a song, are they even cognizant?
birds sing songs.
sure they do. but do they keep manuscripts of their language? look, if we don't do something here you're going to end up in that painting whether you believe it or not. did you know larouche foretold this world economic collapse?
he continues on into a world i know nothing about. that i will never know anything about. nor do i care to know anything about. my life is not my own. it was my parents before me, and their parents before them, and their parents before them, and their parents before them, and so on. i am a cog in a ticking watch. apart of a machine. an animal like everything and everyone else. i am apart of it and we have no control over it.
maybe in that distant future we will become a collective
until then, here's ten bucks and leave me the fuck alone until the overlords show up.
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Sunday, January 25th, 2009
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liquid courage
upon analyzing why i've decided to hide out in my room tonight, instead of socializing with friends and guests at my house tonight i've come to a few realizations about my nature.
most people wish they were more attractive. i feel the opposite. my good looks have caused me to become spineless. i lack character. i wait for people to approach me because i've never had to put myself out there. i can't strike up conversation with strangers. it scares the hell out of me. i'm not as fearless as i thought i was.
what i hate most though is when i do find myself in conversation i end up talking about myself 90% of the time. this usually is me responding to questions like where do you work? do you go to school? where? i immediately take a defensive position as i explain myself and try to justify to others WHY i go to school and work where i work. i give them reasons that really are just excuses. its obvious my top priority in social situations is to convince people they should like me. my life depends on the other people recognizing me. this is pretty shitty as i've known for a long time you should just be yourself and be happy with who are. people will make up their own mind whether or not they like you. a lot of my social problems are due to the fact that i'm just not comfortable with who i am yet.
looks are one small reason why i'm a spineless jerk. the idea that i conform myself to peoples views in order to make friends is a much more realistic reason for me being so lame when it comes to meeting new people.
she said i was weird
the girl in 7th grade
the first time anyone had ever pointed that out to me
oh well
she said i was weird
the girl at work
muscles in my face tightened
she's weird
so much better at being a kid then being an adult
everything is a big deal
no hellos and no goodbyes
soft reset
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
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sleep cycle has me trapped in a routine i need to break from.
she yelled at me in the middle of work "you're so full of shit"
i would have laughed if it wasn't true
i would have said something back if i hadn't heard it so many times before
and now it is upon me
breathing down my spineless back every night when i struggle to put my mind to peace and find sleep
keeps me awake until early hours of the morning
and when i finally find rest and dreamstate
the constructions starts.
jack hammers are much louder then one would think based on what i've seen on tv and in movies.
twelve hours of sleep a night is normal for those who sleep in shifts right?
three hours of sleep then awake for one hour then back to sleep
out of bed by three in time for dinner.
i can't wait for school to start
its the worst habit i've ever developed
depending on school to spark my creativity. i have one semester left where the hell do i go from there.
i am lacking a purpose for living
i told myself last year i should take care of myself and live for myself but its obvious i'm not. i can barely take care of myself or put my talents to good use. all talk
so full of shit.
more action
we're fighting global warming. one sandbag at a time. during low tide, we head to the beach in my dad's pickup truck. rising water level my ass. nature doesn't understand that humans will out think her every move. we're here to stay and shes not going to get rid of us. we're fighting global warming if it kills us. if people like you and i don't get out there and do something we're going to end up like that movie water world. you can be kevin costner for all i fucking care. my room is covered in sand. its found its way into my diet as well. doesn't bother me though. dad says its necessary that some people make sacrifices for the good of others. i wish your kids could see the shit we're going through just to ensure they have a future. you may think we're dumb or stupid for bringing sand to the beach. but you're part of the problem not the solution. things like this take time. we do a little bit each day. in a couple more weeks you'll see.
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Sunday, January 11th, 2009
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tonight seemed to hit the mark just right. i hope i don't forget it.
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Monday, December 29th, 2008
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home alone on this odd week waiting for the new year to happen already. the only thing i learned from last new year was that my life was headed down a destructive path. blackout drunk drive home. just like every night leading up the end of 2007. i don't anticipate that big of a change this year, but for some reason i feel like SOMETHING is going to happen. it probably won't.
i'm glad a year later i've gotten rid of a lot of the anger i once held inside. the only anger i have is for my neighbor who beats on my wall at night for listening to music. why is it my roommates can sleep through it, and you can't? i will probably have to fight this guy. though it may have seemed like a lonely year while it was happening, i was surrounded by friends old and new. i empty my texts on my phone and notice how i have more texts in the inbox then outbox, and that always cheers me up a bit. makes me feel like people want me around.
i looked through a box of family photographs at my parents house last week. it was like watching life flash before my eyes. i had a long talk with my dad. on the balcony of my uncle's new mansion. at first i thought wow, this is nice. a remote control chandalier. electric fireplaces and hd flatscreens in every room. a garage for him on one side of the house near his study, and a garage on the other side of the house near the kitchen for my aunt. a painting of the napa valley on the second floor wall of the giant living room. heated floors in the bathroom. but after a while the place kind of bothered me. i don't understand why anyone would want to live in a house so huge. my dad agreed. its nice to have things, but when do you say, ok enough. i have enough to survive. this computer is a bonus. its all i asked my parents for and i thought its all i was getting for christmas. instead i got two new jackets, one second hand from my grandma, lots of underwear and socks, a cover for my couch, a new backpack and still my parents wanted to buy me new shoes while i was home. my mom was right, she used to tell me and my brother how spoiled we were when we were kids, and we are fucking spoiled. i find it best to just be thankful.
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Friday, December 19th, 2008
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Tuesday, November 25th, 2008
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looking back through a friends collection of photos reminded me of nights long forgotten. how things really haven't changed that much and how what has changed has been for the better. a girl at work gave me a lot of advice about women today. all i could think while she was going on and on about how girls like when i ask them to suck my dick in the nearest bathroom, is why does she feel the need to tell me this? i amused her while i was there but it was nothing that i haven't before. i never asked for her advice. either my face screams girl problems, or news about my life travels about the workplace faster then i can keep up. i'm unhappy either way, but if thats what i'm worrying about at 2AM then i really don't have shit to complain about.
tonight is a night i hope i remember. i'm not going to cheat by going into details but when i read over this in a few months i want to look back and remember tonight. think about how i feel right now.
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Sunday, November 9th, 2008
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most saturday nights i spend at work. making sure hungry people eat and drink themselves to hapiness. this saturday i was fortunate enough to have to myself. the first half of the day was completely squandered dreaming of things just out of reach and sadly, and the second half was also pretty much a waste. though i was able to get myself fed, my free time was split between mental and physical masturbation. this weekend will be mostly spent trying to figure why the fuck girls all seem to react the same way to me trying to date them. i apologize in advance to all the women i attempt to hang out with in the future for taking things on a day to day basis. and also i'm sorry that within the time we share i may be incredible attractive, funny, interesting, and although a little weird, but a great guy nonetheless. give yourself time to think about your choices and why you're in the situation you're in now. make sure to note why you made things so much more then they were and also freak about words we chose to use the explain the mundane. remember that no matter how hard you try
dating an emotional guy will always be difficult especially if you're just going to get all emo about it as well.
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Tuesday, October 7th, 2008
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its been a month since my last entry. i remember i went to school but was a day early and i had jumped the gun.
confidence lost. or did i even have it back then? there was a time where i wasn't aware of what most people would call awkward situations. that tension never crossed my mind. i spoke when i had something to say and never forced it.
fuck new years resolutions now is the time for things to happen
listening and patience skills need some work.
getting healthier by the day
spending less
and searching for some sort of inspiration out there! i can't seem to find exactly what it is i want to express through this medium my parents are investing so much to have me trained in. i am upset by the fact that the class i ace without even thinking about it is acting. why performing another person's work when i can create my own? oh wait... thats the problem. graduating in the spring has me wondering what the fuck will i be doing in 2009. what i've learned in school could help me get an internship for shit local stations but if i really want to do what i've set out to do, i'm going to need to write. not like in this shit journal but actual coherent thoughts and ideas put into screenplay form. and maybe if i enjoy this blizzcon thing again this year i could try my hand at freelance journalism.
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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
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the first day of school this semester. i would think that after having hundreds of "first-days" in my life that this one should be a breeze and i shouldn't be nervous. for some reason that logic doesn't work for me, because i am nervous. the sort of nervousness that isn't caused by "what-ifs". the kind that just is and will always be in similar situations. the kind of nervousness i feel around people i don't know. the kind that i would sell my soul to get rid of.
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Friday, August 29th, 2008
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the start of a good weekend. cheers to feeling the same way on sunday.
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